I remember jogging the streets of Assin-Fosu, a town in Central Region of Ghana (West Africa) with a squad of about 60 or 70 people and leading the chant (gyama). I did this almost every morning for seven months. One of the songs that raised our morale was certainly about our girlfriends (or boyfriends). We sang about them. We shouted about them. We missed them. We longed for them. One of those songs was, simply translated, I’m calling on the beloved to come kiss me. But as a man of God, I did have to show some restraints. I didn’t believe in kissing outside marriage. So I often shied from singing these songs unless there was no option.
Is kissing really allowed in courtship? This question came to mind every time I heard that song. Another day I sat by two brothers and one asked the other this very question. The brother, a spiritual person and strong believer, said kissing wasn’t fornication. And his explanation to the brother seemed convincing as I listened. So this became a battle unto me personally. I know of the culture in other nations where kissing would almost sound like the normal expression of love in a courtship. Certain people even believe you have not fallen in love yet until both of you have kissed. We see this demonstrated in movies where a kiss seals it and says it all that one has fallen for the other. But I wanted to know what God’s Word says and what is best advisable for me personally.
This battle with kissing kept coming back to mind. But in a particular week, I devoted serious time to learning God’s word on it. I wanted to know if it was acceptable. Because I want to show my sweetheart every love possible and allowed by God, even now in our courtship. I want to love her fully. So if kissing is allowed by scripture, then, I wanted to know so I would freely give them to her. I searched, and I came to an unwavering understanding.
But yesterday, the idea came for writing a piece on this and titling it as I have. I went quickly to check the meaning of bride, and it means a woman in the context of her wedding. That is, a woman is only a bride when her wedding is in regard. She is not a bride when she is proposed to. She is a bride when she is married or being married. Therefore, I think we should be waiting to kiss the bride (or groom).
Kissing: God’s Word
There is no clear objection to kissing outside marriage in the Bible. What is present in scripture is actually a command to greet each other with a holy kiss. The only word we want to understand in that verse is “holy”. What constitutes a holy kiss? And does this mean kissing is allowed in courtship?
Despite this command in scripture, many of us or all of us in this generation do not kiss as a greeting anymore. Even in cultures where it is done, the best word for such greetings is usually “peck”. But kissing and exchanging saliva is never the intent of the writer of that verse. Any kiss that is romantic isn’t the specific kiss Paul entreated his readers to exchange. Because that holy kiss was for all the brethren, it certainly wasn’t romantic.
Of romantic kiss, the Bible is clear in Song of Songs 1:2 that it is better than wine. This means it is firstly enjoying, but also, it means romantic kiss is intoxicating. Therefore, kissing your beloved will be sweet and intoxicating. The Bible says that! Such intoxication is certainly not in line with the Bible’s command unto us to Flee fornication and youthful lusts. Therefore, kissing in a courtship is clearly not what the scripture says. When you understand it better, you see that kissing is in fact not God’s will for two courting persons.
The point is, there already exists a romantic or sexual attraction between two persons who are courting. So much that Paul says, if you can’t control yourself, marry him or her and feel free. It is therefore not spiritually wise to still entertain kissing which fans the flame of sexual magnetism between you two.
Kissing is a very romantic activity. Whereas many of us are clear on the issue of sex before marriage being fornication, we should also understand that sex isn’t insertion alone. Sex is a whole package and sex is packaged in physical romance. Sex is packaged in kissing, fondling and petting. Sex comes in a pack called foreplay. And God destined this whole package for married couples. Kissing and fondling is foreplay and not for play.
It is understandable that as two people get deeper in love with each other, the temptation to physically express love rises. As believers, we may not have serious lust issues. Even if we do, we are to be drawn to our beloveds based more on their soul and spirit than their ‘sexy’ bodies. This doesn’t mean attractiveness shouldn’t at all be considered in choosing a spouse. But it means, our priorities are (should be) right.
I have however observed personally that as love grows among two spiritual persons in courtship, it grows from an appreciation of each other’s spirit (agape), to an appreciation for their soul (personality, character, wisdom, talent etc) and then to a literal admiration of their very bodies. Therefore, at a point, you will want to touch the parts you wouldn’t ordinarily touch. You will want to see the parts you don’t ordinarily see. You will want to feel those fleshy areas. Man or woman of God, that feeling is simply a sexual feeling.
We do not know this most often. This is why we usually fall into fornication unintentionally the first time. We think it is just a genuine interest. We think touching their thighs is normal, smooching the side of their belly is okay or hugging them extra tight and long is just love. Indeed, it is love. But it is a romantic love. God planted it in you to grow for that person you so appreciate and love. It is one of the signals that you should marry that person. It is there to make you passionate about marrying them. It is a uniqueness God gives to (or intended for) the courtship “kind” of love. However, it is sexual urge. It is not sinful at all, until for lack of knowledge you indulge it. You will find it increasingly unsatisfied. You want to touch more, kiss more, hug more and fondle more. If you lack knowledge as a believer, you may entertain these acts without even knowing it is romance. You will deny your erections and wetness until one day, you go all the way to sexual intercourse.
That feeling is meant to climax into sex. It is the feeling Jacob was having all the seven and fourteen years. So when the time was up, he said, Give me my wife that I may go into her. It is not sinful until you indulge it outside marriage. That spark of flame is what makes courtship a “romantic relationship”. It is there to say, Go for it, Go marry. But fanning that flame outside marriage has caused many to be gradually consumed in fornication. This is why many sincere youth in the Church are fornicating in their courtship. They didn’t know this. One day, they fell, and the intoxicating and sweet wine of romance and sex has not yet left them. Kissing is intoxicating, so kiss only in the home called marriage. There, you are free to get drunk and sleep well.
What Do I Do Now? We always kiss
If you are in a relationship where kissing and fondling has become a norm, do not try to water God’s word down to your level. Do not use scriptures to excuse your wrongdoing. It was kissing among other things that seduced the guy in Proverbs 7 into fornication. Kissing outside marriage is not a good use of your sexual urge. It is not self-control. Maybe you think I kiss and I feel like having sex with her but I try not to so that is self-control and you feel so spiritual. No! Spirituality isn’t tempting yourself. The Bible is clear that feeding our carnal desires will gradually get them pregnant with sin. So don’t give excuses or explanations from scripture for that habit.
Secondly, make this message clear to your beloved. Possibly, share this message with them. And tell them you want to stop kissing or fondling until marriage. Don’t ask them as though you needed their consent. That won’t work and it will mean you are open to options. Tell them lovingly stating why. And find other ways to express your love. Be creative.
A question that has helped me personally is
If you won’t enter the room yet, why open the door?
If we won’t or shouldn’t have sex until marriage, why should we arouse our sexual feelings each time we meet? Why should we give ourselves such torture of departing with almost wet pants and boxers? Discipline is for strong men and women. If we cannot be discipline now in how we handle our sexual urge, will we be discipline within marriage? Will we be faithful and will we be considerate when our spouses are not available for sex or romance? If we can’t hold ourselves, it is a sign that even in marriage, we may fall into adultery. Because spouses aren’t sexually available every time you need them.
Another question is,
What if this doesn’t even end in marriage?
But even if it certainly will (which you cannot say), why set yourselves aflame with romance that is never climaxed and should not yet be? The Word of God is the standard! Let us flee fornication. I love you! We can do this!
You may kiss your bride on that wedding day when the pastor declares. Until then, treat your beloved as a sister or brother in all purity. Happy marriage in advance! To my married friends reading, feel freeeeeee. And enjoy yourselves.
Pious D. Serwonu